Fair Game

We all know that video games are the devil, but the recent rise in video game killings has put pressure on the government to finally make tautologically restrictive laws against video games. Thankfully they know next to nothing about the subject and so will not be biased in their decision making.

I see stupid people. They're everywhere. Most of them don't even know they're stupid.
Last Saturday the video game Mortal Kombat exploded in the west end resulting in the death of 5 squillion people and leaving 2 others injured but amused at the death to injured ratio. The game itself was unavailable for comment as it was scattered into more pieces than we can count and refusing to answer questions on account of it "not being alive or sentient" (quote from some one who played a video game once and managed not to go on a killing rampage through their school).

Last year the game calling itself Grand Theft Auto: Vice City (or "Killing People is What Good Boys & Girls Do") ran amok in Elephant & Castle killing everyone in the area and all their relatives. The police investigation ended with the conclusion that they were all poor anyway, and that we shouldn't lose too much sleep over it.

More recently, public school boy Derek Nose was "accidentally" brushed up against by another boy wearing a Metroid Prime tee-shirt. This is what finally drove authorities to start looking into tighter laws for video games.

Dr. Catherine Quack, foremost expert in genital warts, was asked to compile a report for parliament on violent behaviour related to video games. In her report she stated that she was "a very busy individual and couldn't possibly be held accountable for what type of games she purchased for her son and so neither can other busy parents".

Donatello kicks arse for the Lord!
"The state is ultimately responsible for our actions since it is the state that makes all the rules" she told us today in an interview. "If I'm to actually pay attention to what my son is doing then I would have no time to help society by compiling reports to back new laws".

This sounds all too familiar. Many parents have been expressing their dissatisfaction with the amount of time they have to spend with their children nowadays (usually between 22:34 and 22:36). "When I was young we never even knew our parents, let alone had a chance to say goodnight to them" said one parent I slapped on the street (another just cried and ran away).

With more and more children turning to their parents for moral education, society is feeling the strain. The Don't Touch Children Ever Or You're a Paedophile Act which will be passed next year, seeks to address these issues by making it mandatory that all children are given up at birth to the new special Big Brother Loves You programming centres being built around England.

It is a well known fact that children have difficulty distinguishing reality from fiction. As all adults know, fiction is blue in colour where as reality is orange. Research shows that humans develop their optical receptors gradually during puberty and the parts of the receptors responsible for distinguishing reality from fiction develop in the late stages.

Define relevant.
The new laws will require all video games to carry a warning message which reads "This is a game and not real. If you should become confused at any point during playing this game and feel the need to systematically wipe out the neighbourhood, why not try a nice glass of hot milk, I know that always helps me in times of stress. This one time my brother was really getting on my nerves and I splashed a saucepan of boiling milk in his face, that made me feel a lot better." (we have been told that the warning message is still a rough draft and may need cutting down).

Some say that the warning message is not enough and that more needs to be done to protect society from the dangers of gaming. Others say that they are Lord Jesus returned and are here to save us. The latter are of course completely insane but what of the former? Liar McLiar MP had this to say; "we are looking at other measures to safe-guard against the Gaming Menace but as yet we have not been sufficiently high enough on crack to make a decision. A good high is essential when we make decisions on things we know little about so that we can fill the gaps in our knowledge with imagination".

cyrus "amphetamine" khan

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