Agony Something or Other

Donning a headscarf and fake eyelashes, I decide to give the Agony Aunt thing a go under the seudonym ... sudoname ... syudonnn... under the fake name Not Splinter Khan. Okay the headscarf and fake eyelashes have nothing to do with anything, I was just feeling pretty today.

Now all of these letters are of course fake. But only fake in the sense that they are not real. My aim here is to cover every conceivable letter that can be written to an Agony Aunt generically and thereby solve the need for these monstrosities of nature, these Aunts of Agony! So anyway, generic letter -> generic answer = problems of a thousand people solved, that's the idea. Let's start the spherical object spinning motionwise with something neutral and soft as not to offend anyone too early;

The Period

The one all men skip past.

Dear Not,

I did not have my period for 18 months and last night when it finally came it was green. My boyfriend says that this is not normal, is there something wrong or is he being a fuss-pot.

Yours with marshmellows,
Some Kind of Stupid

Dear Some Kind of,

What the hell is a fuss-pot? And no it's not normal, it means you're going to die.

Don't have time to sign off, in a rush, sorry.

The Silly One

This one quite often makes no sense and always tries to be funny through stupidity. This is almost always me when I post on message boards.

Dearest Not,

I have jelly for brains and goo for poo whatever should I doo, doo?

Yours fluffily,
Goo Brains

Dear Idiot,

You appear to be suffering from an acute case of the Stupids. Unfortunately the disease is so far advanced that the only treatment is a shotgun blast directly and point blank to the Goddamn head. Please take this prescription. I know what I'm talking about, I'm a doctor, or, whatever, just kill yourself.

Yours with warmest love,
Not Splinter Khan

The Boyfriend

In my infinite wisdom I understand that men and women are different, somehow. This is why there are separate sections for the Boyfriend and the Girlfriend.

Dearest Not,

My boyfriend says that if I really loved him I would <sexual act> but we've only been together for a few minutes. Do you think it's okay for me to do this?

You may be amazed that I'm e-mailing you so soon in our relationship but I need justification for what I'm about to do anyway so that I can blame society in some way once I get knocked-up and my mother throws a wobbly.

Want to Go Out Some Time?

Dear Slapper,

First thing's first; you seem to have gotten signing off with your name in a letter confused with signing off by blatantly offering your "services". This is just plain wrong. You sign off with your name, always your name, especially in your case (I received the photo you sent me).

Right, down to business then. Your boyfriend doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you. Infact he dislikes you. The only reason he's pretending to go out with you is because he's on a wacky Japanese game show in the final round where his challenge is (for a gazquillion dollars) to not run away screaming when you open your mouth to utter another Bush worthy, err, utterance. So far no one has won this show.

Not ever going to be yours,
Not Splinter Khan

The Girlfriend

Should have seen it coming.

Dear You,

I'm actually really hard and so don't need your help. But help. My girlfriend won't stop talking about her ex-boyfriend. It makes me want to smash things just like my hero the Hulk.

Don't tell anyone about this or I'll smash you too,
David Dinglberry

Dear Mr. Dinglberry,

You have a very funny name.

Also, your girlfriend is cheating on you with at least the entire population of South England.

Have a nice day.

Khan (not Khan that is)

The Mistake

Some people are just confused by life.

Dear Jam Aunt,

I am trying to make apricot jam. Thus far I have been unsuccessful in my attempts. Here are the ingredients I am using;

I think I am mixing the ingredients properly but the results are always a little too runny. Any tips?

Mr. Flibble

Dear Mr. Flibble,

Ha ha, you seem to have gotten your addresses mixed up. Oh me oh my. I think you're probably after the Jam Aunt, click here to mail her. Oh you big silly you.


And there we have it, every type of question an Agony Aunt will get asked, answered here. Okay, maybe it's more like I just can't be bothered to follow through with this and it bores me now. Anywho, if you can think of anything that I've missed send me a mail (contact information here) and I'll ignore it in due time.

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