Sunday, 30 September 2007

Of Rabbits and (Chinese) Men

Like many others, I was sent into a nearly uncontrollable killing frenzy (most likely helped by many years of playing video games) upon discovering that foreigners (the Chinese this time) had decided to protest in China town against the Chinese Communist Party, using such sensationalist tactics as sourcing the death of eighty million Chinese "people" to the C.C.P., on the same day that serious protesters (white people) had organised a protest against a shop opening on Oxford Street which sells clothes with the label of a company that produces pornography. It was an obvious ploy on the part of the Chinese protesters to take away attention from the more noble goal of the Playboy protesters, or the Angels of Justice, as I have dubbed them (just now).

Standing up for the gires.
The photo of that salary man in Tiananmen Square squaring off to a tank is all very impressive, but did you know that "Playboy makes hughgh profits from exploiting woman and gires"? Gires as you may know, is a made up word, and it sickens me to the point where I've actually just vomited up my testicles to hear that it's being exploited. Now I have no testicles, are you happy Playboy?! Those were my things! I needed those. Jesus Christ.

This piece is simply called Idiot With A Briefcase.
I talked to one of the Playboy protesters who told me that she was a teacher, and was concerned that some of the children in her class had pencil cases with the Playboy logo on them. She told me that while these children did not exactly understand Playboy's pornography business, the pencil cases had turned them into raging sluts, willing to do ghastly things to get their next hit of Playboy pencil case. The C.C.P. protesters on the other hand tried to sell me some weep story about how over 100,000 Falun Gong practitioners had been sent to labour camps without trial, and how 2,800 have been tortured to death. I spat in her Playboy-ignorant face.

There were almost a dozen brave soles protesting outside the new Playboy shop, putting their lives, and the lives of their families danger by daring to voice what a minority of the public feel; that porn equals bad. Probably. I was literally foaming at the goddamn mouth when I realised that at the same time the C.C.P. protesters were flouting meaningless figures about how over 9 million people had publicly withdrawn from the C.C.P. as a sign of protest, apparently risking death or some such crap. It's a good thing someone saw the foam and dragged me away from the Chinese protester, because I was about ready to headbutt that idiot in an attempt to beat sense into her via osmosis: "People are buying Playboy branded products woman! Can't your Chinese mind understand that?!".

While I was being dragged away, that crazy C.C.P. protester tried (and in retrospect, I guess succeeded) in telling me that the First Secretary of the Chinese Consulate in Sydney defected in May 2005, citing extreme guilt as the cause. This traitor said that the C.C.P. has over 1000 secret agents in Australia. Now I'm no expert on what's true and what's not true, but it's probably true that Playboy has secret agents too. Sexy secret agents who are far more secret, and agenty than the C.C.P.'s. I imagine the Playboy Gestapo eat children to power their child-powered bodies. Children with Playboy pencil cases maybe? Yes, probably, and therefore, definitely. So I ask you, what's worse; the fact that the C.C.P. has secret agents operating in our free lands, or the possibility of Playboy Gestapo child eaters?

If you want to know more about the Angles of Justice's cause of riotous yesness, then follow this link. If on the other hand you want to be sentenced to eternal damnation on the charge of Playboy Ignorance, then go here, God help you.

afraz "honey bunny" khan

Monday, 24 September 2007

Meat is Burger

There is a dangerously fine line between acting like a zombie, and looking as if you're making fun of spastics. On Saturday, near a hundred Londoners tried to distinguish their zombie walks from insensitive disability impressions, many of them failing in their flailing.

Click this pic. for more.
This was of course the Zombie Walk o' London I was talking about earlier, and it was rad. Video evidence of it's radocity can be found here, here, and here. Oh yeah, and here.

I was asked why I was doing it, and the only answer I had was to ask if that was a trick question. Since when has something this stupid needed reasoning?

afraz "panic on the streets of London" khan

Sunday, 16 September 2007

Muse Ums

As can be clearly seen from the picture below I took at the Natural History Museum, childbirth is not only painless, but perhaps a somewhat pleasant and lazy experience.

Of course it could be that the baby's just popping out for some fags whilst his mother's asleep. I doubt the cigs would do it much harm at this point, as he appears to be emitting enough gamma radiation to render his mother's stomach translucent.

You're right, caption jokes are an easy target, and I'm lowering myself by doing them.


In this photograph taken at the British Museum we can see a man and his deformed wife.

Where does the milk come from?!
It's a little known fact that in olden times, which this is circa of , woman would have their goobarries chopped off for the sake of modesty. Also sandals were only made for men, and any holding of hands was dealt with by removing the offending hands from the offending perpetrators, offensively.

I love museums, you just learn so goddamn much in those places.

afraz "uhm" khan

Thursday, 13 September 2007

Antibodies For Diplomats

I wish I had diplomatic immunity, but we know that one can not build up an immunity to diplomats, or any type of dinosaur for that matter. So it is that I take a great risk in linking to this.

I believe the above link was outlawed in three sane countries, and given a look of slight distaste in Japan. You watched it! You can't unwatch it!


Talking of Japan, there are some fa-reek-ing good bands we can't seem to buy albums from here in her Majesty's otherwise Great Britain. Grab this torrent, if it's not already dead. Now take any track on there, and compare it with anything in the charts over here. What you'll witness is the track from the torrent take down the track from the charts' pants, bend it over it's impossibly anthropomorphic knee, and spank it unmercifully it until the chart track cries like a goddamn spaz.

That's right, the land that gave us Dokaka, is beating us at music. Congratulations The Kids, I hope you're proud of yourselves. Thank you for voting Emma Pollock that high in the charts with your parents' money, whilst the likes of The Spunks (who even were they to be tone deaf gonads with all the musical semblance of tone deaf gonads, would still be awesome purely for their name) remain unheard of on our shores.

Anyone know where I can get albums from any of these guys?

afraz "guitar wolf" khan

Monday, 10 September 2007

A Zombie Is For Life

And yay verily, the Lord Jesus did return from death on the third day. And he was Zombie Jesus.

Cyanide and Happiness, a daily webcomic
Cyanide & Happiness @
Blaspheme aside, there's a zombie walk across London you should probably come to. N.B. The word "should" in that sentence was used purely for aesthetics, and you really have no choice in the matter, the matter being that freaking awesome.

Details here. Essentials are; meet at the stairs of St. Paul's at 13:00 on Saturday the 22nd of this good month, walk, be a goddamn zombie, rejoice in that existence is a wonderful thing, once we stop taking it so seriously.

Let's walk. Let's walk for Zombie Jesus!

afraz "bar-ber-ra" khan

Friday, 7 September 2007

Goddamn Kids

I'd like to start off today's blant with a joke, but it's too late for that now.

Do you see what I did there? That little paradox? It's witty right? Well we have no time for horsing around, people are dying! Jesus Christ!

Everyday, ten trillion people die from cold on the streets of Brixton. Of these ten trillion, fifty-seven trillion are children. Approximately ninety-eight gagoolion of these children could be saved with something as simple as goddamn cough medicine.

N.B. This is not true -- please don't go around force feeding homeless kids cough medicine, unless you feel like it.

So I was going to do ByteNight to save lives, but mainly to have an excellent chat up line at the party I'm going to tomorrow. I've decided against it now since they have limited places, and other people are far more likely to raise the 2k target than me.

If you don't donate to this thing, then you hate children. If you hate children, then you don't care what happens to them. If you don't care what happens to them, then you probably do terrible things to them. It therefore follows by socratic logic that you are a child abuser. That's science.

Don't abuse children, donate some money.

afraz "i love your children" khan