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21.12.05 - Awesome America

If only we had security as good as America's. Then I could feel warm and safe at night, knowing that my reading habits are being monitored for my protection, lest I slip and slide down that slippery trail to free thought. As it is, the UK government isn't doing enough to ensure I don't turn into a terrorist without knowing it.

I set about trying to find a reason for America's awesomeness, and the UK's un-awesomeness. All the recent news about Wikipedia's trustworthiness as an information source convinced me that that was the place to get all my facts.

First off, we have the coat of arms.

At first glance you could mistakenly think that the UK's coat of arms trumps America's purely based on the fact that we have a HUGE GODDAMN LION! Sure that lion could bite the head off that eagle, and then kick it's stupid corpse around town singing "I'm a lion and I rule the school! And JESUS! LOOK AT THIS! I HAVE A GODDAMN CROWN TOO! How much more could I rule? Not much I tell you!", but there is more to a good coat of arms than just having a lion in a crown.

Unfortunately, we have a unicorn too.

Unicorns are widely knowing for two things; not existing, and being homosexual. So where does that leave us in the coat of arms race? Well, not doing too well I'm afraid. We could still catch up though. Let's take a look at the motto's.

First we have America's; "In God We Trust". Catchy, and a hit with all the religious nuts they have there. The UK favoured; "Dieu et mon droit" which means "God and my right". "And My Right"? And my right what? My right nut? My right hand? Perhaps it's an attack on left handed people and their evil ways. I know Christianity had some issues with them a while back. Whatever it means, it's kind of outdated. America's used to be "E pluribus unum", which means "Out of Many, One", which I find equally 'tarded, but they had the good sense to update theirs.

Clearly we lost this round. I have however, designed two new coats of arms, and a new motto.

The left one is just a big skull demon, which kicks arse. On his head is branded the new Latin motto: "Ma Madreseh'o Doost Dareem", which means "We Rule the School". Unfortunately I don't know Latin, so it's in Farsi. Also I don't know how to say "we rule the school" in Farsi, so it actually says "We Like the School". By all accounts, it rocks sufficiently hard. The right one is a little more specific and shows some kind of animal biting the head off the American eagle, with blood and everything.

There are advantages to both, so I'll leave it for the public to decide which to use. The advantage the one on the right has is that it attacks America's coat of arms directly, and in my opinion does a pretty good job by biting their mascots head, using blood to highlight the violence inherent in such situations as decapitation. The viewer can be in no doubt about the supremacy of our coat of arms then.

On the other hand, the left one is a giant demon skull.

Okay, I have to pack and stuff for the Chzeck Republic now - but there's a possibility that I won't completely forget about this thing and write the second part in the new year some time.

splinter "that's what I'm saying" khan