01.12.05 - Feeding Tips

I have known for many years now about the correlation between a female being hungry, and the physical pain I incur when I am in their presence. Put simply, a hungry female equals owee to any male unfortunate enough to be near them.

I thought that I may pass on what I have learnt to younger generations of human males so that they may learn the easy, and less bruised testical way. Here are some tips:

You may already know that the typical woman has %30 more fat than the typical man. What you might not know however is that they also have 299% more cruelty hiding behind this excess fat. What this means is that you must protect that 30% of extra fat at all costs. If she is hungry, do not let her body become so desperate as to start burning off the excess fat, for that would lead to the unleashing of the 299% of extra cruelty which lurks behind it, i.e. pain.

Once you have found a suitable place for her to feed (the nearest all you can eat anything will do), do not disturb her, especially since some of these thoughtless places keep cutlery within grabbing distance of the feeding female. She would see any distraction from her food as a threat to non-stop eating, and will deal with it with devastating violence, usually to your testicals. It does not matter whether the interruption emanated from you or not, you will be blamed. You may wish to construct a small barrier around the female, and take away her mobile phone, to make sure she does not stop eating until she is full and fat again.

Once she has replenished her fat, she will be in a kind of doped up trance, and very agreeable. This is the time to ask for that "favour" you've been wanting for so long. Note that you are more likely to get a positive response if she was also drinking heavily while feeding, but most females will say yes to pretty much anything at this stage regardless. Bear in mind that the window of opportunity lasts on average five minutes, afterwhich she will go back to her "balanced" state.

Warning: Not all females react the same way after feeding. In fact some have been known to become overly energetic and playful for a period, which would obviously be disastrous if you upset her in some way (by breathing for example). You should test her mood before asking for anything. You might try poking her in the head for example, and gauge the response. If you come away unbruised, then chances are you've got a doper on your hands, so ask away.

splinter "so going to get if for this post" khan

Easter Egg

This is an easter egg page. There are no identifiable links to it on the site, so it's kind of hidden. Pages like this didn't make it officially into the site either because I never finished them, or I kind of lost interest and so they're not very good.

Anyway you found it so hurray for you. You probably win something.