06.11.03 - Patent No. 912384732985643718Those crazy Japanese (or "crazy Japanese" depending on how you pronounce it) have invented a wristwatch phone which uses your finger as the receiver. The phone works by converting "digital signals into vibrations that are then transmitted into the bones of the hand". Now I'm no scientist but doesn't that cause cancer or something? More importantly think of the misuse the female of the species could dream up for this. You are playing with forces you do not understand Japanese people! Heed! Heed lest ye destroy us all or force me to use olde English!
We all know that technology will be the downfall of humanity and we will eventually be slaves to robot masters manufactured by Sony (oh yeah, the puppy is cute now, but what will happen when it grows up?), but what fantastically crap inventions can we expect to enjoy inbetween now and the inevitable doom of mankind? As a scientist (disregard what I said earlier) I'm constantly inventing things, all the time! Why I just invented something just then - I shall call it, the Fart, for it was gaseous and smelly (and was a fart). So I'd like to share some of my speculations with you about new inventions we can expect to see in the next few years and their effects;
Holy Grail FinderHumans have been searching for the Holy Grail for a very long time, some say even before the time of Christ. At some point some one will eventually realise what I have known all along, that we need a Holy Grail Finder device. The HGF will take all the work out of trying to find the Holy Grail for archaeologists by circling around for ages looking for something that doesn't exist, much like how you pretend to look for your travelcard when the inspector asks for it. It will even write poorly researched and inaccurate books to shock the world with made up revelations. A few months later a slashdot reader will hack the HGF to search for hot women instead.
Unexploding BombsRealising that the unnecessary loss of human life would be greatly reduced if bombs didn't kill people so much, a bright young spark will invent a bomb which doesn't explode. The Nobel Prize will later be taken away from it by the board after they decide that only humans, and not brief dazzling luminescence, can win the Nobel Prize. Never the less the bomb will start being used as a standard in the middle east where due to the previous artificial population control created by the prior more exploding type bombs the countries there will have to impose a strict "No More Goddamn Sex I'm Freaking Serious" law prohibiting unnecessary shagging. The law will ultimately fail since nearly no one agrees any level of shagging above none is unnecessary.
Hover BoardsWho hasn't seen Back to the Future II and wanted one of those hover board thingies? Well with the invention of anti-gravity (see next invention), this will finally be possible. It will at first be used for recreation but then a kid will strap one of the old exploding type bombs to his chest and ride it out to school one morning before promptly exploding. Mothers across the world will seek a ban on hover boards. I personally think we should ban children instead since they seem to be the common factor in all child related accidents.
Anti-gravityAnti-gravity (or Dextrocarbonmattersoken for short) will be invented.
So as you can see, we have much to look forward to before the robots take over. But is it all worth it? If some one was holding a gun to my head demanding that I say yes then I'd have to say yes, and then probably cry and piss myself. But what do I know? I'm just a hostage.