22.10.03 - Exercise
There's a new word being thrown around these days. Like other fad words, it has a snazzy sharp contemporary sound to it; exercise. Exercise, or "exercise" as the Chinese call it when they're speaking English, is a new trend that has something in common with the human ritual of dating; fat people don't do it.
What is this exercise though, I smell you ask. By a process of elimination, we should be able to find out. Firstly, I know it's not a hammer. Hammers are generally used for hitting nails into a surface, and not traditionally known for losing weight. Unless one could somehow hit chunks of fat off with it, but I imagine that to be somewhat terminal.
Exercise is also not the month of December. We have a name for that already, and it is December.
So we've eliminated two things already which which are not exercise. All that remain are the remaining things. So we're nearly there. Let's assume for the sake of argument and typing that I just went through almost everything in the known universe and eliminated them too, and we're now left with only swimming. Attempting to not drown is apparently one of the best ways to exercise, which is why I'm trying to take it up. I say trying because so far I have been devastatingly unsuccessful in procuring swimming trunks.
I remember there being an abundance of swimming trunks when I was a child but it seems that is not so anymore. It may very well be the type of shops I now frequent differ somewhat to those I visited whilst small(er). HMV and other gaming outlets do not sell swimming trunks. But then neither do sports stores it seems. The fiendishly sexy sales girl at JD Sports looked at me like I was either insane or mad (possibly both) when I asked her where the swimming trunks were. Wanting her to love me I bought a pair of trainers I didn't need (I thought they were really uncomfortable but apparently you're to wear them on your feet. Tut, crazy kids). She didn't love me. Not even after I bought them back twice to change for a larger and smaller size (two separate occasions, not at the same time obviously).
But why am I trying to exercise? Well it occurred to me that calling people fat (which is part of my charm with the ladies) and being fat yourself works about as well as Bob's legs - after I break them. I'm turning into what I mock most, a fat bastard (well I was always half way there). I tried making diet pills out of lard but that ended in greasy disaster. Yeah laugh it up, it's all so ironic isn't it? Well you'll be laughing out the other side of your faeces (common typo, sorry) when I'm all thin and lean again.
He-man was not fat.
That nice segue above brings me neatly to something else that would have to the untrained brain appeared to be completely unrelated. I recently purchased a copy of He-Man and the Masters of the Goddamn Universe (my emphasis on "Goddamn", and also the word Goddamn itself). I invite all humans to a special screening at my house at some point in the not to distant future (before the machines take over but after the day which comes before the screening), except the members of the RIAA may they burn in hell. Send me a mail at if you'd like to come.
splinter "w dn't nd n stnkng vwls" khan