15.09.03 - Thought Crime
Bad ideas come and go but the mental scaring a bad idea can cause is there for life. Last night I watched a bad idea of a film, it was called Equilibrium. The strange thing about this bad idea of a film compared to others however was that this was rather watchable. Maybe it was Kurt Wimmer's direction - I don't know - but somehow the movie is not only watchable but at times even enjoyable. The idea however, well that's a different matter.I guarantee this is exactly how producer Lucas Foster pitched the film to Mr. Big Cheese No.1 at the studio;
Foster: Okay think Orwell with guns!And I'm not even joking about the Firearms Martial Arts thing. I'm not sure how it's done but for some reason it doesn't look completely retarded. It actually looks pretty damn cool (very John Woo).
Mr. Big Cheese No.1: The funny green duck puppet?
Foster: No sir that's Orville. Orwell wrote 1984.
Mr. Big Cheese No.1: That's one talented duck.
Foster: ... but ... Okay anyway, this is going to be so cool. We have the Orwellian world right, only Big Brother, who we'll actually call Father - so as to seem as if we're making a clever joke of some kind - is overthrown by a badass who is a master in Firearms Martial Arts.
Mr. Big Cheese No.1: I have no idea what you're talking about. Here have some money.
Flash Gorden on the other hand, well that would be the reverse now wouldn't it? Great idea, lousy delivery. And of course, when I say lousy delivery I mean gay porn for kids. Richard O'Brian is Wormtongue (from Lord of the Rings) pouring homo-erotic poison in the directors ear, and probably tongueing it at the same time. I know it was his doing, I just know it was;
Richard: Okay that's good, but don't you think he would look better in leather underwear and, say, tied up for instance?How did they turn a childrens comic into gay gay gay porno for kids? Obviously the film works on different levels since I don't remember feeling very gay after watching it when I was a kid, but that's what worries me. I'm willing to bet that Richard O'so-gay-Brian has ulterior motives, that's right I think he's trying to turn us all gay! Start with the kids see? Just like the Nazis.
Director: Who the hell are you?
Richard: And that next scene, I mean don't get me wrong I like it, but I just think it could do with a few more midgets on leashes and sexual innuendos.
Director: Get your Goddamn tongue out of my ear! SECURITY!
I remember there being a comedy porn film called Flesh Gordon (my local video store had a strict "display anything anywhere" policy), but I got to thinking yesterday after I had seen the original Flash Gorden again, how could it possibly be any worse than this? Okay they might show a bit more nudity and generally be more explicit and probably less crap, but it would really be more like a re-make than a parody. Flash Gorden is crap. Not because it fails as a kids movie but because it also fails at decent gay porn. Not that I'm a connoisseur of gay porn. Because I'm not. Coz I'm not gay. Not even a little bit. I LOVE WOMEN!
So what have we learnt? Well a bad idea can make a decent film, and a good idea can make gay porn for kids. Now if only we could come up with a few more mediocre idea's, then we'd have the best of both.
splinter "Flash - oh-woah!" khan