07.07.03 - Mating
Having reached the ripe old age of 24, I got to thinking (finally). Maybe I should find myself a mate (or as the youth call them; "lady friend"). But where to get one? I mean it's not like I can just walk into Marks & Spencer's and pick one up off the shelf, like we used to back in the good old days when there was no war and the streets were made of diamonds. No, it's much harder to get a mate nowadays. Probably.According to this documentary I might have probably watched at some point this weekend while I wasn't busy burning my sister's possessions (that is to say, cleaning my sister's possessions), the human female has 30% more fat than a normal human. Now in the past when I have displayed my wit to females with such classics as "fatty-fatty-boom-batty", and "hey, you're fat" in order to impress and possibly stun them long enough to carry them off without anyone seeing, I have reaped nothing but hurt feelings - usually my hurt feelings, in my face. So it would appear that the females are for some reason sensitive about this issue. Therefore it would seem that an important thing to bear in mind whilst trying to find a mate would be this whole fat thing. It may be an idea to make obviously false comments to the contrary such as "You are not fat. No sir. Not gargantuas in any way. Not even lot. Of fat. You."
Obviously it takes a heck of a lot more nowadays to attract a suitable female (thanks to those pesky human rights) - and of course by suitable I mean not completely minging. Females appear to like to talk endlessly about what "a complete bitch" their closest friends are. Under no circumstances should you interrupt with anything remotely sounding like reason and common sense. Not unless you hate your testicals. This one time I was pretending to listen to my now ex-girlfriend talk about something or other when she said something about how Bobby always breaths incorrectly. Now knowing Bobby as I do - not at all - I hold his breathing abilities in higher regard than Nur's fart lighting abilities. I made the now obvious mistake of not saying anything in such a way that could be construed as my intending to perhaps say something, maybe. I woke up a few days later naked in a bath tub full of ice with a rather alarming note in my hand. Anyway what the hell was I saying? Yeah so the next thing to keep in mind when looking for a mate is that failing to keep silent could lose you your kidneys.
Now on to advise that I've received from actual females. Egem told me once that females don't like being stared at. Now see I thought it was like, you know, not completely horrifying to see a middle-eastern man in a long black coat following you down a dark ally while staring at your bootay (pronounced "boo-tay"). Egem seems to think otherwise. But then Egem is foreign and therefore probably can't be trusted [this irrational fear of foreign people was bought to you buy the Bush Administration; the commies may be gone, but there are still other countries out there who aren't US - remember, if it ain't US, it probably wants to kill you in some way (usually in a way resulting in death)]. So we'll ignore this potentially lethal and definitely foreign bit of misinformation.
Yvette constantly gave me advise about what woman want in hopes that I would give a damn and maybe make her life a little less like the 10th level of Hades and more like the 3rd or maybe even 2nd level. Of Hades. Unfortunately due to the fact that we were dating at the time, I rarely heard a word she said - and the words I did hear didn't really make that much sense to me anyway (I mean what the heck does "don't eat that, it will kill you" mean anyway?). So no pearls of wisdom here either then.
Fat-head was another female who sought to advise me in the ways of not being a complete retard and thereby making mate finding easier. Now in fact I do remember what she told me about the female. She said that no girl would take me seriously if I continued to ask every single new female I met to marry me after saying "Hello". This is probably true, however, I rarely ask things to marry me anymore (sometimes I ask gadgets I find in shop windows on Tottenham Crt. Rd. to marry me) so this isn't much use.
CK who I don't actually know all that well but is some how living at my house all of a sudden, has also tried to give me advise, all be it in an indirect way. Upon farting in her direction, she said something like "GET THE HELL OUT OF THE ROOM. WHY WON'T YOU GROW UP! GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE! DON'T PUT IT UP THERE!", CK has a rare disorder that only allows her to talk in CAPSLOCK. It's weird as hell. I don't really know what she meant by any of this but as I tried to break her phone for the second time, I got the distinct impression she wanted me to stop acting like a child. This feeling was delivered unto me with something baring amazing resemblance to a fist. "Stop acting like a child" may be great advice, I don't know, and I care less than I know - but it's a bit silly. I mean it's like telling a pretentious 17 year old to stop acting like an adult, it's not going to happen, we are who we are. So again, nothing to be learned here.
So what had we learned? Well nothing from any of the females that have tried to give me "advice" about girls that's for sure. I'm going out for lunch now. Maybe I can ask some other devils/woman for advice on how to get them not to run away. Of course this will require them to not run away long enough for me to ask them.
splinter "stud" khan