25.06.03 - UPS
As I was explaining to my sister that a miniature giant would probably look very much like a normal person, I got the distinct feeling that she was boring me. So I checked, and sure enough, she was indeed boring me something awful. I shood her out of my room and went to check where on Earth my package was now.Still in Germany. Hmm, this won't do, I'll have to send out my monkey minions to beat the living crap out of the customs people - it wouldn't get me my precious GP32 but it would get me a big smile. Having looked everywhere for my monkey minions without any trace of simianocity or army-ocity (they are both real words, true as these are words; "my sister is not fat" Did you catch the word play?), I decided it would have to be the camel sycophants, but those were either skiving off somewhere or like my monkey minions, didn't exist. What to do, what to do? Okay fine, no death beatings then, I'll just give them a friendly phone call.
I picked up the phone to hear a broken tone. Now the BT lady has already told me that this is not Morse code from my monkey minions who have been captured by the enemy and are establishing communication the only way monkey minions can - by hacking the phone network - but actually a way of telling me I have a voice-mail waiting. Far fetched as it sounds, it's true, I had a voice-mail waiting. It was from UPS.
"Hello call this number quoting this ref. blah blah blah, I'm a big fat melon". So I call the number;
ups: Hello how can I help you?Cool, and the other guy I spoke to before I got to this woman said that their probably wasn't even anyone in that office right now, and if there was it was after hours now and they wouldn't do any stuff like help me or anything since everyone knows that people's limbs stop functioning afer office hourse. Well what a helpful nice lady. And I thought this was going to be a pain, tut, silly me. I should have more faith in humanity (but I work at a help-desk).
me: (feeling a little stupid) Erm. I don't know. See there was this voice on the phone and it told me call here. [okay I actually explained the situation properly, but this was pretty much what I said]
ups: Ah I see. Let me go and check tracking number for you.
ups: Hello. Well you see the thing is that the package doesn't have your company's tax code on it.I was quite sure I had put my home address on the package and not my company's address. And anyway, it wasn't for a company, it was for me. Why the heck did she think my company had to pay extra tax for it?
me: Eh? But I'm not a company?
ups: Well not you. Your company.
me: What company?
ups: splinterSoft.She still sounded unsure, like I was asking her to allow a package of diaeretic crack into the country for me or something, but she said she'd clear it for delivery.
me: Oh! No that's not a real company, I just put that on the form for giggles see? You can ignore that.
ups: But it's says right here, name; splinter khan, company: splinterSoft.
me: Yeah but like I said, that's not a real company. I just made that up.
ups: Well all company's have to pay extra tax.
me: Wow that must be pretty tough, GOOD THING I'M NOT A COMPANY THEN!
ups: So err, it says that's your company.
me: <sigh> Oh boy. Listen I know what it says, I'm the one who asked for that to be written. Now I'm the one telling you that it's a joke. Things don't magically go from being a joke to being fact just because they're written down.
I think she lied.
My package has now had a further two "IMPORT SCAN"'s (this is after she said it's all go). Even if that thing does get here some how, it's probably been scanned to nothingness by now (you know how careful UPS guys are at picking stuff up and not accidentally on purpose kicking it a few dozen times to see if it goes "crack").
splinter "DOWNS" khan