killerbees.org.uk

24.05.03 - Complacency

I was walking in the west end today and saw some one nearly get run over. This stopped me thinking about girls bottoms and instead had my feeble yet paradoxically gargantuarse mind start thinking on the problem of road accidents (or Splatus Bodyus as it's known by it's made up scientific term). When I got home after watching the Matrix Reloaded (Keanu Reeves' acting has greatly improved, he now has less lines) I went about the task of gathering information from the Interweb so that I can start to think about ways to cut down on the level of road accidents in the UK (but not America, they're over populated anyway). Here are some of the facts that I made up after I decided that it was too much work gathering real data;

Fifty percent (or 50%) of all fatal road accidents end in death
Many people from the above fifty percent do not survive the accident
I smell beautiful today
87% (or eighty seven percent) of car accidents involve automobiles
One gabillion percent of car accidents involve people

Shlonghallum's Law states that "when analysing statistics, pick the one that has the highest percentage or whatever, that usually wows them enough so that they don't ask too many questions about the validity of your study". If we apply this law then we can see that people are the problem, not cars. I investigated this further and found that 78.2639236438% of all car accidents involving people (which by referencing the facts above turns out to be one gabillion percent of all car accidents) involve the splattering of children. So by deduction we can see that - more specifically - children are the problem.

The solution therefore would seem to be to cut down on the number of children there are in the UK. Now obviously people like having irresponsible sex way too much to stop producing humans they don't want so some kind of birth controlling r'egime would not be feasible. Luckily however there is an alternative solution which doesn't even involve any effort on society's part. It turns out that children are being killed everyday in road accidents thereby cutting down on the number of children. It seems the problem is the solution. Wow.

Of course taking road accidents in which children die as lightly as I just have would get me a lot of stick so allow me to use a technique Hollywood employs when their writers can't think of a good ending to whatever piece of mediocre crap they're writing at the time (it's like an all purpose Get Out of Jail Free card); "... and he woke up to find it was all a dream <fade to black with wibbly lines of transition>", or my personal favourite; "... and everyone died". So erm, this blant entry was all a dreeeeam woooooh ...

splinter "splatter" khan